Rest

Rest...

1. a bodily state characterized by minimal functional and metabolic activities

2a. freedom from activity or labor
  b.  a state of motionlessness or inactivity

3. a place for resting or lodging

4. peace of mind or spirit

A tough year for this family. A year ago March, Doug went in for back pain. A muscle spasm.  It wasn't a muscle spasm. News far worse. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Esophageal cancer. He fought hard and in April he entered heaven. He lives with Jesus! He is no longer in pain and is a perfect soul.

Sitting with my brother and family for eleven straight days wondering if this was the day God was going to take him home was the most difficult time in my life...I dare say for all of us.

I came home after two weeks. Straight back to work. I thought it would keep my mind busy. No. There were issues at work with vendors and deadlines that I could hardly deal with. Bernie had been traveling. I was home alone because this year our precious Osa also went to heaven. The pressures were weighing so heavy on me that I felt suffocated. I couldn't give any more of myself and I couldn't take anything from one more person. If I didn't get away, I was ready to quit my job. I needed a rest...from everything. I wanted no responsibilities. I needed sunshine. I need the beach. Palm trees!

We went to my friend house near Destin, FL. It was an amazing six days of rest and relaxation. My mind free from the daily grind. Days where I sat in the park, looking out across the bay, starring up at the blue skies. Time to cry. Time to read. Time on a boat. Absolutely perfect.

Thank you Jon, Hillary and Marcus and of course Kayla.

We came home for one day and went to visit Scott, Anthony and Meagan. Good friends. Family. Scott's wife, Jennifer is deployed in Afghanistan for nine months. She is a helicopter pilot. I haven't been to their new house yet and it was great opportunity to spend time with them. Once again, nothing planned...just relaxing.

They have a in ground pool and my way of relaxing is to lay on a float and falling asleep on the water. I love the way the sun feels on my skin.

I really miss Osa and the companionship a dog gives...unconditional love. They have Chloe and she is an amazing dog. I can't wait to get another puppy :)

Rested. Still praying for peace & calm.

Eleven weeks...

photo credit: www.idophoto.com

Eleven weeks today Doug entered into the arms of Jesus. I came across a video someone had shared with me after Doug went to heaven. I couldn't remember why I had it because it wasn't a song I knew. So I hit play and it all came back. Emotions quickly took over and the tears just streamed down my face.  The words are very true after seeing the suffering but the void left behind in our hearts and life here on earth is undesirable.

If You Could See Me Now

Our prayers have been answered
I finally arrived
The healing that had been delayed
Is now realized
No one's in a hurry
There's no schedule to keep
We're all enjoying Jesus
Just sitting at His feet
If you could see me now
I'm walking streets of gold
If you could see me now
I'm walking tall and whole
If you could see me now
You'd know I've seen His face
If you could see me now
You'd know the pain's erased
You wouldn't want me
to ever leave this place
If only you could see me now

My light and temporary trials
Have worked out for my good
To know it brought Him glory
When I misunderstood
Though we've had our sorrows
They can never compare
To what Jesus has in store for us
No language can compare

Don Moen

Thursday, March 13 | Precious Memories with Doug

It's been a while since I have put my thoughts to words and posted my memories from the week I spent taking care of my baby brother in March. I miss him so much. Sometimes I feel this is a bad nightmare and when I wake up everything will be the way it was but it won't. He is not in earthly form. I can't reach out and touch him or hear his voice. The joy and hope I have is that he lives in heaven. He walks and talks with Jesus. He is no longer in pain.

You had a restless night sleep. When I came downstairs you looked so tired. Your eyes so sunken and dark. I sat near you and we just looked at each other. No words exchanged. I told you it breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. How I wish this evil disease would be taken from you! I couldn't stop the tears!

Every movement is a struggle for you. I'm trying to be strong and keep it together. I don't want you to see me cry because you will say you're sorry for being sick and I don't want you to feel guilty. We are here for you and I'm not going anywhere.

I wanted to journal our week because I don't want to forget one moment spent with you...just you and me! I'm sitting here in the quietness, writing my thoughts, listening with headphones to worship music, watching you sleep, tears streaming down my cheeks.

Pastor Nate came today and I had a great talk with him. We talked about our family and what is was like growing up with you as my brother. Telling him how I always wanted to take care of you and how I use to worry about you. We talked about how you came back to Christ. How you wanted more and more of Him. How you loved Jesus and how strong your faith was. Even through this terrible journey. This dreadful disease. He prayed scripture over you. He prayed for you and Melissa and for our family. Special times to be treasured.

You sat up for a while this afternoon and we talked about a bunch of things, nothing in particular. It was nice to talk. We took a picture for mom with our hats that she crocheted for us. You look so different from when I saw you in January. You tried your best to smile. Still is a beautiful smile. You looked at the photo and commented about the way you looked. I don't think you had looked in a mirror in quite awhile. I said to you, with tears in my eyes that you looked beautiful! Although there is cancer running through your veins there is LIFE running through your veins.

Doug & Me | March 2014

At the time, I said I wouldn't post the photo. We would send it to mom because it would be special for her. I am posting it here today because you have always been a special boy. I honor your courage and faithfulness.  You will never know how many lives you have touched.

Pastor Nate told me you couldn't stop talking about me coming to visit you. You told me today you don't want me to leave. I don't want to leave you baby! I love you so much and I'm realizing just how precious time is!

I've been so emotional today. I'm not sure why today is any worse than any other day but I think part of it is that my time is quickly coming to an end for this time and I hate that. I wish I had adequate words to describe the love I have for you!

I was listening to worship music today and I came across this song called Come to Me by Bethel Music. This song really spoke to me today.

Tonight, Melissa and I had a "joy and liberty" party with BBQ Chicken Pizza. You were punchy. Making jokes and making us laugh. You make me smile Doug. I love to see the real "you" come up through the pain and frustration!

I love you sweet brother!

Birds singing and sunshine

It's a holiday. Memorial Day. A time to reflect on our soldiers that give of themselves for our country. It also means a day off which for me at this point in my journey I need.

I'm sitting outside on the patio enjoying the sunshine on my skin and listening to the birds sing their songs. I'm thinking about my parents and hope they have a safe trip home from Savannah. I'm thinking about Melissa. Thinking about how her journey has changed and how that looks going forward. Last night was the last night she slept at her house. The one Doug and her shared. The place they started their life. Moving is one more stepping stone. 

I think about Doug. Constantly. Always on my mind. How even now the tears flow so easy and fast. I hear the birds sing. I think about how much more God the father loves his children. Me. I think about Doug singing with the angels. He is in heaven with Jesus. He is not in pain or suffering anymore. It's not the case for us who loved him. My heart and head hurts every day. The void that is left is a huge crater. How will those places ever be filled again?

This day I will choose to be grateful that Doug IS in heaven. Perfect. I'm grateful for the 43 years I was able to love him and call him brother.  Today I choose joy!

I love you sweet boy! 

Rain

It's one of those days. I want to stay in bed with the window cracked open, listening to the rain as it bounces off the sill. Watching TV or reading a book or playing on my iPad. To have the lights off except for whatever light comes through the blinds.

There is something about the rain that is reflective. Makes you think about life. Experiences. Just like a plant needs water to grow, don't you think we have these "rainy seasons" in life that helps us grow?

I long for the "dry season" but I never want to forget, to stop loving or to stop growing.

“Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.”

— John Updike

photo credit: lauradake

Tuesday, March 11 | Precious Memories With Doug

You slept most of last evening, Melissa went to bed late. I was on my way to bed too but you were awake and wanted someone to sit with you. You said to me, "is it selfish of me to ask you to stay up?" I told you I was here for you and I would do anything for you. We watched TV until 1:30am and I thought you were asleep but you weren't completely asleep. I tried to be quiet but those bells on the door gave me away. You called out for me. You were so worried about me and you wanted to make sure I was OK. You make me smile!

Nurse Pam came this morning to change your needle and check you out. She is a nice lady and she demonstrates grace and mercy. I am grateful she is the one sent by God to take care of your medical needs.

You have been quite alert today. We talked a little about how you apologize for being sick. You thought Melissa was upset with you but she wasn't. We talked about how Melissa took vows with you...for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. She takes care of you because she loves you so much. Sometimes she has not so good days and sometimes you don't have good days but it's finding a balance and being patient with each other.

I know thoughts can sometimes weigh you down. We cannot imagine how you feel physically and that can cause your mind to go into overdrive but we are here for you as strength.  We are on this journey together. There isn't anything we wouldn't do for you. We will not stop praying for a miracle.

So now you rest. So peaceful. Watching your chest move up and down. Breathing. That means life. For your life, I am grateful!

Mother's Day 2014

moth·er
ˈməT͟Hər/

noun: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.
verb: bring up (a child) with care and affection.

Amazing. Caring. Sweet. Sensitive. Giving. Compassionate. Friend. That is my mother. Every one who knows her would agree.

My mother has always been a best friend. One of the hardest days I experienced was the day I moved away from her. We talked all the time. I am so glad that she lives close. I am thankful for wonderful people who made the adjustment to living in a new state seamless. She has a beautiful group of ladies who are close friends. They are accountable to each other and lift each other up in prayer.  

My mother is a woman after God's own heart. She cares for people. For years, as long as I can remember she was the League of Mercy Secretary. That title seems to have more meaning to me than Community Care Ministries (a program of the Salvation Army.) It is because of the word "mercy" in the title. My mom showed mercy to the people in the nursing homes that she visited. She showed Jesus to folks that probably sat there day in and day out because their families didn't come to see them. I will tell you it takes a special person to do that. I worked in a nursing home less than a day doing hair for the residents. It paid decent money but there was not enough money in the world for me to do that. I remember going to my mom's office during lunch and cried the whole time. I went back and lasted 40 minutes. It takes someone special!!

My parents always provided for us. Even when the funds weren't in abundance and maybe we didn't have much, I never knew. They always gave God what belonged to him and because of their obedience, God always provided.

Mom always stood up for us and taught us to stand up for ourselves. But we were taught right from wrong as well. If we were wrong you apologized and admited when you were wrong. 

My mother has always taken care of us. So gentle. So sweet and caring. My brother would often get car sick. He was the type that would get sick and then be perfectly fine. One time we were on vacation and he got sick and then went into a candy shop. You know the kind. When you walk through the door the smell of pure sugar hits your face and makes you nauseous. Not me! I used to get so mad at Doug for doing that too me. :)

The year was no different. She has shown such love. Mercy. Compassion. Gentleness. This year has been so difficult. I'm so glad my parents were here when we had to put Osa down in February because of failing health. My girl who I took care of and loved for almost 16 years. She cried with us, loved on us and was there for support. It meant so much to me. She knew how much I loved my puppy. 

When Doug went on hospice care he found that he wasn't going to get strong and come back and punch cancer in the face. He needed care. So our family rallied to help Melissa so she could still work because their heath benefits were through her. Mom spent a few weeks alone with Doug. Anything he needed, she was there. Giving. No complaints. They would have beautiful conversations about God's presence through this journey, the questions they had for God, life and death, peace and calm. Such a beautiful witness.

Even in the end my mom was amazing to me. She even prayed over Doug during his final hours, unselfishly, for God to take away the awful pain. She gave Doug to Jesus once again. 

Mom, I want you to know how much I love you. I know this is going to be a difficult day. I can't begin to know your pain but I hope you will find some "peace and calm"  and "cling to Jesus" knowing Doug has been made perfect. He has been divinely healed. He is singing with the angels and he lives with his Heavenly Father. For eternity. Your prayer has already been answered. Remember when you prayed for him to find his way back to Jesus?

Much of this can be said for my father too but this is my Mother's Day. Dad you will have to wait for your day. :)

I love you! 

photo credit: Digital Memories by Debbie Koehler 

To the most amazing mother. Your family loves you more than words.

photo credit: Digital Memories by Debbie Koehler 

One Month

One month. Four weeks.

Unbelievable. Overwhelming. Unreal. Tears streaming.

There isn't a day that goes by where I haven't mentioned your name. Talked about you. Thought of you. Missed you any less than the day before. Shed tears because of the void that is left in my life.

I need you. I need your voice of reason. Your encouragement.

I would give anything to go back in time. To have you back in the physical. To understand why God took you from us.

I looked at a picture of you and me in December. You just came home from the hospital after rupturing the site where the tumor was. I couldn't believe how different you looked from the last time I saw you in September.

In September you wouldn't have known you were sick.  You had meat on your bones. So handsome. That smile that would light up any room. So full of life.

September 2013

When I saw you in December, it was the first time I thought about how sick you really were. You had lost a lot of weight and you were bald. You actually looked like what people call a "cancer patient." I remember being afraid of what our reality was.

I look at this picture from December and I think about how good you really did look, how full your face was and how you exuded life in the physical compared to your final days. One thing that never changed was your faith in your Heavenly Father. You exuded life to the very end.

December 2013

I miss you baby brother! Life will never be the same. People's lives have been and are being changed because of your life and  your testimony that still lives on.

I love spring. The air is warm, the breeze is so sweet on the face and the birds sing so loudly in the morning. When you were confined to the bed we would tell you the birds are singing songs for you. When I hear the birds sing their songs, I always think about you and take it as sign that you are communicating with me.

I love you Doug!

April 2014

God is Hope

I came across this quote today on my friend @livingingraceland instagram.

“While our hope is fragile, God himself is hope.”

— Pete Wilson

This very moment my hope is fragile. I am full and can't give one more ounce of me to anything. I am tired, physically, mentally and emotionally.

This is a great reminder. As in my brother's words, "I am clinging to Jesus." God is my hope.

Monday, March 10 | Precious Memories With Doug

This post and the few to follow are from March 2014. I visited my brother and sister to take care of Doug while Melissa continued to work. This is when I started writing.

I wanted to document memories. I never published them. I was too afraid of people seeing my heart. How I have been affected by this journey. Heartache. Pain. Suffering. Cancer. Death. More importantly I wanted to share with you what a great man of God Doug was. How I am learning about faith through Doug's life and testimony. Giving up control and letting God be in control. I want you to know how much I loved this boy and how life will never be the same.

---

I am blessed! So fortunate! I get to spend time with you this week. I am excited to see what this week holds for us.

I was so tired this morning!  I'm sure it was because I was alone last week. I'm still trying to adjust to life without Osa. It could be because I had an early flight yesterday but nonetheless, I am here. A week I have waited for with anticipation.

You slept a lot this morning. I couldn't take my eyes off of you.  I took you in. Your breathing. The way you sleep in awkward ways, having your arms in the air above your head. I'm watching you and remembering things about us. Realizing how much I love you. Watching you struggle to do easy tasks. Everyday tasks. You can't sit up by yourself, you can't get up and walk, you can't go to the restroom, you can't shower. You can't do any of that for yourself. I watch you get frustrated. I am so glad to be here to help you with whatever you need.

Because you get frustrated, you and I have a pact. We will be patient with each other. I will do whatever you need but I won't push you to do anything until you are ready. If getting you in a seated position takes an hour than that is what is takes. It's you and me little brother.

After you woke up from this mornings nap we had a nice conversation. Precious times. You had me go to your closet and get a rifle that you built. You could hardly hold it (it is very heavy) and you talked to me for an hour about how you built it and milled it out. It was something that was meaningful to you, time and money invested and you realized that you probably won't ever be able to use it again. It was difficult to hear those words and I know it was even more difficult for you to verbalize this truth but this is what life looks like right now. Our priorities have changed and your life is the most important. More important than possessions.

I think the demonstration of how the rifle works and trying to hold it (needing help) took so much out of you. You have been asleep most of the afternoon. I look at you and your frail body. I wish I could take it away. I wish God would heal you!!

Today is my birthday. Being here with you is the greatest gift. As a young child I always wanted to make sure you were cared for, that's what big sisters do. So I am grateful that I get to take care of you this week.

You are a beautiful sight, Doug! I love you with all my heart!

photo credit: lauradake