It's been a while since I have put my thoughts to words and posted my memories from the week I spent taking care of my baby brother in March. I miss him so much. Sometimes I feel this is a bad nightmare and when I wake up everything will be the way it was but it won't. He is not in earthly form. I can't reach out and touch him or hear his voice. The joy and hope I have is that he lives in heaven. He walks and talks with Jesus. He is no longer in pain.
You had a restless night sleep. When I came downstairs you looked so tired. Your eyes so sunken and dark. I sat near you and we just looked at each other. No words exchanged. I told you it breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. How I wish this evil disease would be taken from you! I couldn't stop the tears!
Every movement is a struggle for you. I'm trying to be strong and keep it together. I don't want you to see me cry because you will say you're sorry for being sick and I don't want you to feel guilty. We are here for you and I'm not going anywhere.
I wanted to journal our week because I don't want to forget one moment spent with you...just you and me! I'm sitting here in the quietness, writing my thoughts, listening with headphones to worship music, watching you sleep, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Pastor Nate came today and I had a great talk with him. We talked about our family and what is was like growing up with you as my brother. Telling him how I always wanted to take care of you and how I use to worry about you. We talked about how you came back to Christ. How you wanted more and more of Him. How you loved Jesus and how strong your faith was. Even through this terrible journey. This dreadful disease. He prayed scripture over you. He prayed for you and Melissa and for our family. Special times to be treasured.
You sat up for a while this afternoon and we talked about a bunch of things, nothing in particular. It was nice to talk. We took a picture for mom with our hats that she crocheted for us. You look so different from when I saw you in January. You tried your best to smile. Still is a beautiful smile. You looked at the photo and commented about the way you looked. I don't think you had looked in a mirror in quite awhile. I said to you, with tears in my eyes that you looked beautiful! Although there is cancer running through your veins there is LIFE running through your veins.
At the time, I said I wouldn't post the photo. We would send it to mom because it would be special for her. I am posting it here today because you have always been a special boy. I honor your courage and faithfulness. You will never know how many lives you have touched.
Pastor Nate told me you couldn't stop talking about me coming to visit you. You told me today you don't want me to leave. I don't want to leave you baby! I love you so much and I'm realizing just how precious time is!
I've been so emotional today. I'm not sure why today is any worse than any other day but I think part of it is that my time is quickly coming to an end for this time and I hate that. I wish I had adequate words to describe the love I have for you!
I was listening to worship music today and I came across this song called Come to Me by Bethel Music. This song really spoke to me today.
Tonight, Melissa and I had a "joy and liberty" party with BBQ Chicken Pizza. You were punchy. Making jokes and making us laugh. You make me smile Doug. I love to see the real "you" come up through the pain and frustration!
I love you sweet brother!